Need to write this while my head still works.

Been happening for a while now, got worse after getting COVID a month ago. My head keeps going back and forth between unbreakable will and complete despair. On a good day I can feel something, on a bad day I'm happy just to be able to leave bed without feeling dizzy and detached from everything entering my eyes and ears. On a good day I have unyielding absurdist ideals in the face of the god-forsaken timeline, and maybe even a bit of hope if I really forget how awful it's gotten. I remember how much progress we as a race have made and have yet to invent and how a good life for me isn't impossible, still that's on a good day. Some days I'll tell you to keep going as there's so much wonderful feeling in the world left and the next I state I wouldn't blame you at all if you wanted to give up and die today. Some days I'll tell you

what to believe in and contradict myself in the same paragraph. I don't know what I believe in anymore sometimes. Some days my boyfriend tells me he loves me or the music that can take me on the rides of my life in a dark bedroom, it's like it isn't parsed by the synapses. I'm tired, I'm scared and I'm weak.

This world isn't real to me anymore.